Humour

[lucia]

Canada Drunk

A drunk was leaning against a lamppost staring up at a signboard and yelling, "It can't be done, it's too big!"

Another drunk staggered by and slurred, "What can't be done?"

The other drunk answered. "What that sign says -- 'DRINK CANADA DRY' -
- It's just too damn big, it can't be done!"

[lucia]

Counseling Her

Before the marriage counselor began working with the couple, he met with each one separately...

During his first meeting with the wife he asked, "Do you watch your husbands face while making love?"

"I did that once," answered the wife, "but all I saw was anger."

"Anger? Why anger?" asked the counselor.

"Because he was watching from the window!" said the woman.

[lucia]

To The Victor...

Joe was having a drink at a local pub with his good buddy, Billy.

Billy noticed an impressive new watch on Joe's wrist and asked, "Where did you get that gold watch Joe?"

"I won it in a race," answered Joe.

"Wow," that's great said Billy. "How many people participated in the race?"

"Three," explained Joe, "A policeman, the owner of the jewelry store, and me!!!"

[lucia]

Snoopy Mothers

Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead each had a teenaged daughter. One day all three women decided to go out to lunch together and bring the daughters along.

While sitting in the coffee shop waiting for the waitress to bring their meals, the three teenaged daughters excused themselves from the table and went off to the powder room together.

At this point the three women decided to go through their daughters' purses...

The brunette went first.

"I cant belive I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughter’s purse. I didn’t even know she smoked!" exclaimed the brunette.

Then the redhead shouted, "I can’t believe I found booze in my daughter’s purse! I didn’t even know she drank."

"I found a condom in my daughter’s purse!" said an astonished blonde.
"I didn’t even know she had a penis!"

[lucia]

Feeding Time Blonde

"Jenny!" screamed her mother, "why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?"

"I have to," replied little blonde Jenny.

"Whatever for?" asked the mother.

"That’s where my canary is!" shouted little Jenny.

[lucia]

A Fickle Bride

Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding...

After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over.

Patty asked her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"

"How do you mean, change her min?" asked Mrs. Sullivan.

"Well," said the child, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another!"

[lucia]

The Long Arm of the Law

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook...

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm."

"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. Then, with his lawyer's help, he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

[lucia]

A Hook-and-One-Liner Joke

Q: What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

A: Dam!

[l u c i a]

Office-Excuse Blonde

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his blonde employees.

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's obvious!" the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."


A Civil Suit Followed?

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into
one of them...

An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went in for hours of surgery.

Finally, the doctor emerged from the operating room and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously waiting in the waiting room.

"Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?"

The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

[l u c i a]

Positions

A blonde, a redhead and a brunnete were waiting in the gynecologists office, for their.

The redhead said, "I heard that the position you always have sex in determines the sex of your baby..."

The other two women listened intently.

Then the redhead continued, "Since I was always on top, I'm having a boy."

Then the brunnete said, "I was always on the bottom, so I must be having a girl."

Then the blonde began to cry.

The brunnete asked, "What's the matter?"

The blonde blurted out through her tears, "I'm having puppies!"


Help Me Out!

After reading the complicated instructions for the automatic teller, the
confused blonde customer walked over to a bank officer...

"Excused me," said the customer, "but I was wondering if you could help me out."

"Certainly," smiled the officer, sensing a 'blonde moment' was in
progress. "Go right through that door."

[lucia]

A Great Big Wish

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam were walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out. "I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total."

The Canadian said, "I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will someday be a farmer."

So with a blink of the genies eye *POOF*, the land was forever fertile.

Osama bin Laden says, "I want a wall completely surrounding Afghanistan so that no Infidels, Jews, or Americans can get in."

Again with a blink of the genies eye *POOF*, there was a wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam asks, "I’m curious about this wall, please tell me more."

"Well" says the genie, "the wall is about 15,000 feet high and 500 feet thick, it is practically impenetrable."

So Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

[lucia]

A Legal Hypothetical?

A butcher saw a Lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him, "Attorney, what would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Why? of course, I’d make the owner pay for it!"

"If that is so," said the butcher, "you owe me $15, because it is your dog!"

"Very well," replied the lawyer. "Just deduct the $15 from the $250 you owe me for the legal advice. I’ll collect the remaining $235 the next time I pass by here."

[lucia]

Fill-Her-Up Blonde

A blonde goes into a sex shop and asks for a large vibrator...

The guy takes her over to the vibrator section.

She points and says, "I want that big red one there."

The guy says, "Love, that's our fire extinguisher!"

[lucia]

A Hip Flask

A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney
who happens to be driving in the opposite direction...

The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask.

The doctor accepts, takes a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.

"Sure," replies the attorney. "as soon as the police leave."

[lucia]

If Operating Systems were beer..

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

The soon-to-be-released "New" Version of Windows Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows XP Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows XP Beer until either their friends try the latest Windows Beer and say they like it or a worm infests their current copy of Windows XP. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in the ancient DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.