Humour

Dícese de los políglotas o practicantes de lenguas varias.

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lucia
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Humour

Mensaje por lucia » 28 Oct 2005 22:47

Food Preparation

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water...

One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there, right in front of them, stood a Cannibal's Restaurant. Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:

Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50

They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, "Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter, "Did you ever try to clean one of those suckers?"

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Mensaje por lucia » 02 Nov 2005 21:35

Monty, This Seems Strange to Me

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip...

Upon arriving at their destination, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

"There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is to the bathroom, one is to the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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lucia
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Mensaje por lucia » 05 Nov 2005 11:14

The Grand and Noble Oz

Ozzie came home from school with a black eye and cut lips. His mother
sighed deeply, "Oh, Ozzie, you've been in another fight."

"But, Mom," sniffled Ozzie, "I was just keeping a little boy from
being beaten up by a bigger boy."

"Well," said the mom, "that was brave. Who was the little boy?"

"Me, Mommy."

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Ukio
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Mensaje por Ukio » 17 Nov 2005 18:33

Do you know who's Dennis Rodman, the basketball player who played with the Chicago Bulls? Well, I'll tell a joke about him.

Dennis Rodman is at a hotel, and he meets a girl, they begin to talk, and in half an hour, they decide to go to his room. Then when they're getting nude by each other, she finds the Nike emblem at Dennis' leg.

- What the...!
- Oh, no, no... This is because when I'm doing a dunk, the photographers take a picture and Nike pays me.
- Oh, yes, and you have a Reebok emblem at your arm.
- yeah...

Then she picks Dennis' pants and she finds another tattoo with the letters AIDS written.

- Oh, no, I'm not gonna make love with a person who has AIDS and has it written on its dick.
- No, no, don't worry!! When this gets bigger, the word is ADIDAS.
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La vuelta al mundo de un novelista, de Vicente Blasco Ibañez.

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Mensaje por mickey81 » 17 Nov 2005 19:32

Parrot-Prostitutes

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

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Mensaje por lucia » 17 Nov 2005 22:02

:lol: :lol:

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Mensaje por lucia » 20 Nov 2005 20:15

The Blessed Event

Sarah and Dick were having dinner with a couple they'd not seen for several years. Each couple tried to recapture knowledge of the other by recounting their histories.

"And soon after we were married," Sarah began, "we were blessed with a marvelous, chubby creature with cute bow legs and no teeth."

"You had a baby, I presume," said the other husband.

"Nope," Dick broke in, "Sarah's mother came to live with us."

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Mensaje por meisje » 27 Nov 2005 18:03

While riding one day, a Cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation:


Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."


Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: (Look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Good"
Indian: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keep me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: (Complete look of utter amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
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meisje
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Mensaje por meisje » 27 Nov 2005 18:04

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing, so the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again." !!!...
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Mensaje por lucia » 27 Nov 2005 19:16

meisje escribió:Indian: (Complete look of utter amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."

:lol: :lol: :lol: Mind my imagination

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Mensaje por lucia » 28 Nov 2005 18:30

Good Grammar

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Johnny.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f'ing beautiful!'"

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Mensaje por meisje » 28 Nov 2005 21:11

He he he :lol:
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Mensaje por lucia » 29 Nov 2005 20:09

This is a classic, but I have lost the spanish version :(

Love, Lust and Marriage (Part 1)

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called "making love".
Lust- When intercourse in called "screwing".
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

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Mensaje por meisje » 30 Nov 2005 11:39

He he, it reminds me of "Love & marriage" (by Sinatra, I think) Love and marriage, love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage, etc
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Mensaje por lucia » 30 Nov 2005 11:53

Like the serial, yes.

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