Humour

Dícese de los políglotas o practicantes de lenguas varias.

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mickey81
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:mrgreen: :499:
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lucia
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The Hamper Dance

My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday party last year...
The guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you thinking, babe?"
Apparently I've been married too long, because I said, "You ARE going to pick up after yourself, right?"
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Si cedes una libertad por egoísmo, acabarás perdiéndolas todas.

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meisje
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A mum was out walking with her 4 year old daughter. The daughter
picked something up from the ground and started to put it in her
mouth. The mum took the item away from her and I asked her not to
do that again.

"Why?" the daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been,
it's dirty and probably has germs", the mum replied.

At this point, the daughter looked at her mother with total
admiration and asked, "Mummy, how do you know about everything?"

To which the mother replied "All mums know this stuff. It's on the
Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy."

They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, whilst the daughter
thought things through

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you
have to be the daddy."

"Exactly!" the mother replied with a grin.
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lucia
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:lol: :lol:
Nuestra editorial: www.osapolar.es

Si cedes una libertad por egoísmo, acabarás perdiéndolas todas.

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lucia
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Horsing Around

One day a blonde woman named Sandy decided to face her fears and go
riding on a horse.

It was easy for her to get on and she was doing just fine until the
horse started to go faster...

She started slipping off the saddle. She couldn't hold on to the
horse and her head started hitting the ground...

She was almost knocked unconscious just before the Walmart manager
came out and unplugged the machine.
Nuestra editorial: www.osapolar.es

Si cedes una libertad por egoísmo, acabarás perdiéndolas todas.

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lucia
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Tommy Retorts

"What would you like to be when you grow up, Tommy?" asked the teach.

"I'd like to be a teacher, sir," came Tommy's response.

"Would you, indeed?" replied the skeptical teacher. "And why would you like to be a teacher?"

Tommy immediately retorted, "Cause I wouldn't have to do any more learning, I'd know everything by then!"

Translation (for Redon):
¿Qué quieres ser cuando crezcas, Tomy? - le preguntó el profesor.
Quiero ser profesor, señor- fue la respuesta de Tommy.
¿De veras? - replicó el excéptico profesor. -¿Y porque quieres ser profesor?
Tommy saltó inmediatamente: Porque así no tendría que aprender más, ¡ya lo sabría todo para entonces!
Nuestra editorial: www.osapolar.es

Si cedes una libertad por egoísmo, acabarás perdiéndolas todas.

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lucia
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To Women Everywhere (From a Man Who Has Had Enough!)

* If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

* If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.



A Dream Come True!

Kathleen awoke in the middle of the night, startled but quite excited...
She immediately gave her husband, Michael, a stiff shove to awake him from a deep slumber. "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day!" exclaimed the excited lass. "What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," said her groggy spouse.
Later that evening, Michael came home with a small package and handed it to Kathleen...
She opened the package to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams".
Nuestra editorial: www.osapolar.es

Si cedes una libertad por egoísmo, acabarás perdiéndolas todas.

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lucia
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A Bird in the Hand

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on," says Johnny. "but I like your thinking!"
Nuestra editorial: www.osapolar.es

Si cedes una libertad por egoísmo, acabarás perdiéndolas todas.

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lucia
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The Midnight Rambler

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Si cedes una libertad por egoísmo, acabarás perdiéndolas todas.

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lucia
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Corvette Blonde

There was a blonde driving her pink Corvette in the middle of the desert...
She looked out the window and saw another blonde rowing in a row boat on the sand.
The blonde in the corvette yelled out the window. "It's blondes like you that make blondes like me look stupid! And if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
Nuestra editorial: www.osapolar.es

Si cedes una libertad por egoísmo, acabarás perdiéndolas todas.

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meisje
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CLASSIC JOKES

*********************************************

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

*********************************************

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."


*********************************************

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

*********************************************

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
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meisje
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Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

**********************************

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

**********************************

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?

A. They take the psycho path.

**********************************

Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?

A. ME!!!

**********************************

Q. What has four wheels and flies?

A. A garbage truck!


**********************************

Q. What has four eyes but can't see?

A. Mississippi!

**********************************
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lucia
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The Old "In and Out"

A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway...

They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge!

"Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in."

A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?"



A Leftover Joke

While eating in an expensive restaurant, a patron overhead the gentleman at the next table ask the waitress to pack the leftovers for their dog...

It was then that the gentleman's young son exclaimed loudly, "Whoopee! We're going to get a dog!"
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lucia
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The Two-Finger Alert

On the first day of school the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the classroom asked, "How will that help?"
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lucia
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The Climb

Panting and perspiring, a man and a beautiful blonde woman on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill...
"THAT was a steep climb," said the man.
"It certainly was," replied the woman. "If I hadn't kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward for sure."


Hand Sandwich

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign above the bar that reads:
Ham Sandwich $3.75
Chicken Sandwich $3.95
Hand Jobs $7.95

The guy walks up to the sexy woman tending bar and asks, "Excuse me. Are you the one who does the hand jobs?"
She smiles suggestively and says, "Yes."
"Then, can you wash your hands," replies the guy. "I would like a ham sandwich."


Dissolution Planning

Two guys strike up a converation at the local pub...
One guy says to the other, "Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced."
"Did you see a lawyer?" asks the second guy.
"No," replies the first, "I got married."
Nuestra editorial: www.osapolar.es

Si cedes una libertad por egoísmo, acabarás perdiéndolas todas.

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